[ On My Heart ] Finding Faith

Friday, June 24, 2011

i'm sitting in mcdonalds on my break from work with 35 minutes left to write this post... not sure if it will be possible, but please forgive me now if i begin to frantically ramble...

i have always been a christian. especially following the death of my brother when i was nine, when my family  re-immersed themselves within the support of the church, and my mom became a born again christian.  i remember praying morning at night, talking to jesus, and my brother, Avery, through high school.  but since then... since i went to college (an intensely liberal college at that) and stopped going to church as frequently, i feel myself slipping.  blogging, and meeting so many christian friends through the internet has been this hidden savior as i struggle to regain the relationship with Christ that i once had, and today i am reaching out to you for help...

my boyfriend was a religious studies minor, yet ironically has no faith.  he will say he believes in a higher power, but when it comes to organized religion, he, i guess, doesn't "trust" it.  he has questions that can't be answered.  i've tried telling him that you just have to have faith, and that not every question may have an answer... but i'm slowly realizing, especially as his lack of faith has put our relationship on hold, that  faith is not something you can just chose...

i've been struggling with these questions myself... as his same doubt is slowly slipping into my own stream of consciousness... "am i only a christian because that's all i know?... if i was born in india, would i be a hindu?... how can everyone else be so wrong?..." and as these questions keep coming, my anxiety has reached an all time high.  i used to pray about little things through out my day that would stress me out, but now praying doesn't fix it, and i find myself more and more often on the verge of panic attacks because nothing calms my fears.  this is not how i want to live... i  want need to find peace again, and i am reaching out for this blog community, which i so quickly have come to love, to help me... how do i calm my fears, and find God again... and how do i guide my boyfriend into this same path?

i hope this isn't too much of word vomit...and  i know these are big questions to ask, questions that may not have such a simple answer, but any bit of support is very welcomed.  more than anything, i really just needed to get this out, and finally say out loud what i have been feeling for a long time.

as i am sitting here, a storm is rolling in... the sky has darkened and i suppose i should hurry back before the skies open.  oh, if the people in mcdonalds had any idea what i was writing right now...

&& Mom, because i know you will read this, and i will probably get an e-mail from you very soon about all this... don't worry about me, and please don't blame Mark... we will find our way :)

5 thoughts:

  1. Beautiful friend. I have a long email coming your way soon. Love u

  2. You know you're momma so very well my sweet precious daughter :)!
    I'm immediately worried but then I'm also instantly reminded that God is in control. You have a solid foundation and know that your peace came most when you were closest to your Lord and Saviour :). You'll find your way back if you ask Him. I too have my moments of drifting and I notice it most by how unsettled my life becomes...I pray that your Christian friends can find words to share with you having perhaps walked in your shoes themselves. Be wise to Satan...he is also real...and you will not be able to change Mark. He will have to find his own way. He will be drawn to your Saviour through your actions...so much more is taught than caught! :)...I'll pray for you sweety. Keep your relationship with Mark seperate from your relationship with Christ. You are precious in His eyes. He will never fail you. God loves you more than anyone! Try it...totally surrender to God and just see what happens - I did and look at how my life has been blessed! I love our Lord and I thank Him for everything! Love your momma

  3. I wouldn't be the best on long words for this subject. But will say that I have little faith many times. Thank GOD that is all it takes. I am a person who needs answers, so exact unknowns are hard for me sometimes. I think it comes from being so scared of the "what if the gospel weren't true", then what? BUT, in my darkest hours I have felt the Lord Jesus place his arms around me ~ really tight. Hold me and take me through things. He was there, really there. I agree with your mother that you have to have a personal relationship with Christ and not involve anyone else's struggles. That will work itself out. First be accountable for your forever. Begin daily rituals, prayers, surrounding yourself in the word and with Godly people. May you find your way sweetie. ~d. xo

  4. You can be sure that God is ok with your questions. He can handle it. In fact, pray to Him about it. He is bigger than our doubts. As far wondering how everyone else can be wrong...you can be sure that you follow the one and only Saviour who has conquered death. What other belief or religion can say that? He loves you and has patience with you. He will see you through this. He has surrounded me during some of my greatest times of anger and doubt. I will be praying for you sweet sister. Thank you for opening your heart.

  5. I know this is a year later, but I just stumbled upon your blog via High Street Market, and your post moved me. I've asked myself similar questions and have been in seemingly similar situations. Reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy helped me a lot because it reminded me what is so amazing about Jesus and the way of living he tells us about in his sermon on the mount. And while still I don't have answers to a lot of my questions, I keep coming back to the fact that God's love is life-bringing, that it changes us and revitalizes us.


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